My 6’10” Beefy Love Interest

She’s over six-foot tall, a little heavier set then I usually go for. But her concave curves entice me. I can’t help but run my hands all over her. I’m even turned on by her nose. It’s slender and pointed, but not too upturned as if to look snotty.

Wa-wa-wee-wa … her tail—the perfection of plump! To quote Sir Mix-a-Lot, “I get sprung!”

Just a couple hours ago, I picked her up. She’s in my car and I can’t wait to get back to my home. I’m going to rub some sex wax all over her.

I will get on top of her and ride her for many hours till my legs and arms can’t hold me up. I will have an incomparable tantric experience with her. We will be connected as one, going fast, grinding and carving, and intermittently taking time outs, resting, with me on top of her.

I am of course talking about my new board—my first custom-built board. I actually don’t even want to put wax on it. I want to look at her in her perfect clean virgin state.

I feel like I’m back in little league, wanting to sleep with my baseball uniform on and with my glove tucked under the blanket beside me. I’d love to spoon with her in bed, but my girlfriend would probably have some major problems with that.

My 6’10” round-tail board is heavy for a shortboard, but it’s still easy to duckdive and has good buoyancy in the winter soup. It’s a great all-around board, capable of going fast down the line of quick and powerful swells. It also has quick response times for carves and cutbacks.

And though I have the surfer’s equivalent of white man’s jumping disease when I try floaters, my new board makes me look like I actually know how to surf sometimes.

There has been no adjustment period in finding my new board’s perfect center of equilibrium and its sweet spot.

The only complaint I have with my new board is when I take off late and attempt steep drops. I’ve had a few face plants lately, whereas on my old board, a 7-foot fun shape, I never had any problems with these type of precarious take-offs.

My friend Ed shaped my board for me. Ed came over my apartment one day and we sat cross-legged, me listening to Ed’s shaping theories like student listening to master.

Ed asked me lots of questions, which I liked. Rather than just take an order for a new board, he stepped inside my mind to find out what sensations I wanted to feel on a new board.

Admittedly, my knowledge of surfboard design is as minimal as that of my understanding of string theory or quantum physics. Very elementary. Ed, however, broke everything down for me in simple to understand concepts.

Ed is a minimalist in board shaping practice. He knows exactly where to cut off the excess fat off the board. He knows how to shape without sacrificing form or function; he has developed over the years, a masterful balance of both.

He disguises the rocker much like a good surgeon would minimize scar visibility. This gives my board a 1970s-vibe that I resonate with. Potato-chip boards with heavy rocker and noses that look like Cyrano de Bergerac’s don’t resonate with me.

I would have been content sticking with my old board. I feel that I developed a connection to it, much like two life-long tango partners.

But ultimately, I knew I needed a board that would duck-dive easier in heavy winter surf. And I wanted a thick shortboard so I would have more control paddling into bigger waves. I never quite got used to riding my thin thruster. The feeling with one, paddling into an eight-foot face was like being launched out of a cannonball.

I wanted more control and that’s what Ed’s shape has done for me.

The funny thing is that when I ordered the board from Ed, I had recently lost my steady job.

What better time to order a new board then when you’re out of work, right? If you’re out of work, then you’re going to have more time to surf, more time to connect with your passion.

I think of my new surfboard as a new set of paint brushes. If a budding artist acquires new tools to help him/her become better at painting, then a new surfboard will make me even more passionate about my favorite thing about my existence on Earth—surfing.

Although I have had amazing experiences with my old board, I have chosen to abandon it like an ex-girlfriend that has drifted away. I will avoid my old board for a while; but when the adjustment period is over, I will take my old board out again and reconnect with it. I’ll be able to have some connection to it, but not nearly as involved and attached as before.

Love can be so sad. But surfing never disappoints….

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